This amnesia haze. I just took my mind apart and just evaluated my life up to this point from a thousand different perspectives, music sounded almost as deep and intense as it would on say, acid. At some points it got to be too much, depressing and unnerving even, then I played Funkadelics 'Maggot Brain' and closed my eyes and it was like listening to God play guitar. Either ways, I've woke up today motivated like never before, I feel like I've just had my eyes pried open, totally against my will, but for my own good it seems.
Fuck, the whole thing just caught me off guard, I need to fix my life. I've experienced a lot that I've set out to, in general living and drugs and enjoying myself. But I feel like I've got no foundations and I'm running out of time to start building them, I'm 22 and I feel really old, like I've lived my most valuable years without considering so many things. I've been single for about four years, other than a few one night stands and shit, I've had nothing. I feel like I'm to blame for this, 'cos I never realised my situation earlier. I've never held down a job for longer than a year 'cos I can just feel every moment being wasted and unlived, and every day it just feels heavier and heavier. I want to live, and I can't even begin to work out how.
Last nights session exposed me to my own situation and put all the responsibility into my hands, shit. Anybody else feel really lost and confused right now? Either way, tomorrow I'm going out to make some money, whatever it takes to get the ball rolling, so long as I keep all this in mind I'll do my best to ensure my time isn't wasted.
-SWIM
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