I'm not happy

Nope.

Blargh

I feel more mellow now, intense night last night, lots of drink and music and junk and stuff. Think I was a bit annoyed in my last post, with myself, like I feel bad for keeping this blog 'cos its just a huge ego thing where I talk about myself like everybody wants to hear my stupid thoughts. But whatever, I could be doing worse while I'm online.

Wow, strange afternoon.

I had lots of strange things to say earlier.

incredibly dumb, incredibly ugly

Tired of trying to confine things to words, writing is an exhausting process. I've got a build of drafts, loose pages and notes and none of them seem worth pursuing. Right now nothing seems worth pursuing. Right now, it's always now. So I'm just drinking coffee and listening to music and enjoying the next couple of days doing nothing at all, until I have to start doing things on Monday. Out of weed, nice session last night though.

I feel like my stomachs being twisted with anxiety, I'm gonna get rid of the mirror in my room and totally change everything around. I sort of like that my room is messy right now though, it looks like it's been lived in and things have happened. So yeah, that's kind of cool. I'm sort of on the edge of things happening, and normally when I get to that point, all I see is a long fall, I don't even try and take off and see how it goes, I just move back and nothing changes. I just get older. So yeah, I'm gonna start doing stuff, I'm gonna metaphorically jump today or whatever. Wish me luck, if anybody ever reads this haha. If I crash and burn, at least I'll have something to report back here with.

I'm thinking of cutting my hair off too, the reason I don't is because I'm used to my face being sort of concealed, when it was really long especially so, but I've sort of took it gradually shorter. I'm just worried about how much I'm gonna dislike what I see after I do it, because I can only see me looking worse. There's lots of things I'd change about how I look and I think it would improve my life, but I'm also aware that stuffs superficial, and the only thing uglier than my appearance is my personality, especially when I talk about stuff like this. So yeah, to get rid of my hair would be another jump I suppose, and if I can live normally in spite of how I look, then I suppose that might be a good thing.

I probably sound unhappy, but I'm not. I'm looking forward to things, I've just got time on my hands to think before they start. I hate the fact I always have to seem happy, so I'd just sooner say what's on my mind, 'cos then if I talk about something happy at least it's sincere. Once work starts on Monday I'm going to try and apply stuff I've learnt at the monastery and not let everything get on top of me and screw up again, so I'll just try as hard as I can and see if that's enough. I'll be working to help other people, it'll be brilliant to have so much time to put other people before myself, and to support people who deserve support. The money I make is going to be saved up to travel and do things I wanted to do before my last job finished.

I hope I don't sound crazy. Peace out.

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Linkin Park cover Rolling in the Deep