I got bored, confused, lost focus and now I'm trying to unclutter my mind. Psychoactive Front has joined Magic Wand, if everything works out as planned I'll be signed to a label, I just need to keep making money in the meanwhile...before I go crazy. I can't even write anymore, I try and nothing ever goes anywhere. Ideas never fully connect or come to anything. Constantly confused like life is one long ketamine comedown. Thoughts evaporate as soon as I come to putting them down, I have to consider quitting writing altogether. I'll learn a programming language, the ukulele or spend more time studying French.
Either ways, I can't waste anymore time, just staring at blank pages, waiting for them to fill themselves with minimum effort on my behalf. I tried stream of consciousness writing and found I had nothing to say, I try to think of things to say and it's never anything good enough to justify sharing. It gets draining after a while, thinking of yourself as being a writer and never having anything to show for it. In a last desperate attempt to see if this could ever possibly work I'm going to try and finish this terrible short story collection I've been thinking about working on all year. If I can get enough down in the next seven weeks I'll just distribute the collection somehow, so far it reads like a huge, desperate, transgressive distraction from reality, ugly, imperfect and amateurish.
I have no idea what happens from here, I haven't smoked in a week, I can't until I've addressed and resolved the very real problem of a complete lack of direction in my life. It is hard to develop any direction when every way seems to work in direct contrast with my nature, which is either simply lazy or unfulfilled by the material world. I think the former. I haven't wrote poetry in a while, I gave up on that all together, I think that was for the best.
I'm starting to think I want to make the most of my time, so I'm reluctant to start anything in case it doesn't work out. The irony of this is my uncertainty and low self esteem is the ultimate time waster. Its what keeps me at this computer for the first two hours after I wake up, coffee after coffee, planning out the day and feeling ready for it once its too late.
I've completed a demo as 'Psychoactive Front', it was a band or a project originally, now I've taken it on as a title. Along with around three others we've agreed to come under the 'Magic Wand' banner. I think the name came from Leanne, who writes poetry and has worked with us in the studio and on some tracks a few times. So, after almost a year of putting off distributing the demo it's time to set up an online home, distribute some CD's and get some kind of foundation to work from.
