Headache

Sometimes my job requires me to stay awake for 24 hours. Once a week, it leaves me with a terrible headache, nausea and an overall feeling of vacancy and lethargy the next day. I used to be able to handle a lack of sleep pretty well, but I'm aging, badly. And the fact I had codeine and a ton of coffee for breakfast this morning hasn't really helped. My brain feels like it's in a vice and my self worth has hit a new low, the last thing on my mind is going to the shops to buy cereal. Curtains drawn, hair becoming thinner, need to get back on track with food or I'll just lose more weight. I look grotesque, emaciated and don't feel like leaving the house today. My skin is blotchy, bags under my eyes, teeth discolored from crazy amounts of coffee and smoke.

It's not like I can just hit a reset button, and this time tomorrow none of this will even make any sense. Can't keep up with these weird ups and downs. Somebody said I look weak, straight up ugly. Not sure what I'm meant to be doing, I haven't studied in months, haven't wrote anything in months, don't practice guitar and hardly get any exercise. Everyday is pretty much the same, on shift I work, off shift I just kill time and don't do much of anything. Smoke, drink, sleep and listen to music.

I just wanted to sleep last night, I'm all out of sleeping pills, I need to obtain some more today ready for my next overnight shift. They're normally pretty effective, unless it's just a placebo that allows my brain to switch off thus resulting in sleep. I always come to this place with a lot to stay, two paragraphs in and I realize I've said it all before and there is so little happening in my life that I'm struggling to complete sentences. Codeine, warmth, itchiness.

I need to shower, tidy myself up, get some fresh air. I can't spend any money. I'm not on track with saving up. I have to wait a fortnight until I can buy something for myself. I want to continue piano lessons and get myself a keyboard to practice with. My throat is sore, I keep coughing. The codeine has helped with that but I don't know about the fogginess and apathy, I have another cup of coffee to finish then I might consider moving.

I do not feel remotely better for having written this, so I am going to stop now and try again tomorrow.