Hah

Woke up, had coffee and watched House. Now I'm smoking the last of my emergency stash and listening to Opeth. Feel disconnected, other people are making me uneasy. Like there's something I can't hide anymore, or something I've let go sour for so long its beyond recovery. I'm reading Les Miserables, onto the second book; Cosette. I think I'll have it finished by April, its powerful, exploring morality and human nature from so many different perspectives. I'm also reading House of Leaves alongside Les Miserables. Haven't really started it yet, but might get some reading done today seeing as I'm not working.

Struggling to make any progress or motivate myself towards finishing the short story collection I've been working on for so long. I read Shoplifting From American Apparel and felt like writing about the fact I have absolutely nothing to write about. That's a positive thing, I liked that book.

I feel older, everyday I feel a little older than the day before. I feel older than I have ever felt right now. I've been working on a new song to release under the 'Magic Wand' banner that has been neglected and abandoned for months now. I believe this year something will come together. It has been too long, it is is becoming desperate and it is the only thing in the world I feel I can influence or direct.

Smoke cannabis, drink coffee and write and write and write until it makes sense and finally works. I'm taking in novels and the words and accomplishments of others as a form of habitual escapism. I need to create my own places to escape into, but can't so long as I'm this distracted. I'm consistently awestruck by the works of others and disappointed with myself. If it all comes to nothing? I don't even know, I'll just read more.

I always feel unclean when I wake up, I shower, but my hair still feels thin and greasy throughout the course of the day. I feel awkward, like I'm wearing odd shoes and unsure of the right thing to say in any given situation. I mope. I think too much when I try to sleep. I'm way too distracted by all of these things to get anything done.