It's weird, I feel like we all have this umbilical type attachment to our childhood self, ourselves full of hope, far out of reach of ageing let alone dying. There are freedoms we're allowed, lives to be lived the fullest and chances to build the foundations of what we will be later. It's the contrast between skateboarding to college, to commuting to a job that clouds your mind and warps your perspective. The reality is we don't realise any of this as children, or young adults, and one morning we wake up and whatever once connected us to who were were is severed. We're met by faces in the mirror we only vaguely recognise, leading shadows of the lives we once planned. We can all imagine ageing, guessing what it'll be like, but the reality is it catches you off guard, when you least expect it to. You never expected it to happen this soon.
Waking up, eyes dark from a lack of sleep, mind lazy from unending routine, continuous loops without any alteration. Waking up, hairline receding, or turning grey, or both, indicating what's to come. Waking up, fine lines running from the sides of your nose to the edge of your lips, skin lacking the glow it once possessed. Waking up, realising its getting harder and harder to actually WAKE UP and do anything about anything. I don't think anybody is truly ready to ever give up youth, and it's hard to admit when its gone.
Youth is a time when things can always get better, there's time, there's always plenty of time and you don't feel the need to be equipped for when it starts running out. Because that's so far away. But it isn't linear, ageing isn't a steady development, it's an abrupt wake up call at a point in your life when it's hardest to wake up. You begin to wonder what you're meant to be good at, what to do about it, you realise your time is coming and you've got a lot of work to do if you want something worthwhile to look back on. But what good is the need to be better, to go further and work harder when all the hope stayed with your past self, when you're so disillusioned you don't even know if you want to play this game anymore.
Nostalgia gets increasingly intense, we recall everything with an otherworldly shine, the parties, the people we loved, the places we used to go, the person we once were. Then we think about how our teenage years were not what they should or could have been, all the things we would do differently, the experiences we could pursue that we didn't when we had the chance. Our desire to go back and live life to the fullest is another thing distracting us right now. I hope my desperation for things to get better, to be able to look at myself and like what I see, to learn and accomplish will be enough. I hope it'll keep me aware and ready to take opportunities as they come my way, and that feeling worn out and passed it will turn to feeling full of experience.
I've recorded some new tracks, I worked with a friend to get a couple of new songs down and online. I've been making music for the past four or five years, I played bass in a band at one point and enjoy the sense of achievement I get from hearing something I made played back. Nothing else in day to day life provides me with that, the feeling I get when listening to or reading the end result is like nothing else. I'm certain as I get older I will become more creative, I will have to, or I'll go insane or switch off all together. I'm not interested in art, or pursuing concepts or making statements, just transferring my own imagination to words or sounds and not even considering what anybody else might think of it. I don't know whether that suggests I'm really egotistical or the complete opposite.
I will post here again tomorrow, I'm finding this really difficult to put together, words aren't coming out right and all the ideas I had this morning seem to have gone missing. I'll make more sense tomorrow, I hope.
You need some HEINON!
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