I can't get my head around my complete lack of motivation at times, how little I'll actually accomplish in such a large amount of time. How little I've accomplished in twenty two years. Every day, countless possibilities, yet we're caught in a loop, a sequence of repeated events over and over again. Entire lifetimes can be spent that way, with no time ever been taken to know yourself. To view the subconscious. When you come to look for yourself, it's near impossible to get past ideas, cultural distinctions, opinions, beliefs, desires and fears that have been taken on board via media and other peoples second hand view points. I don't know how to spend a day, what I should be learning and where I should be going, I'm entirely oblivious to everything, but I'm certain there is something missing. Some aspect of human nature that isn't taught, something to do with the need to explore consciousness and exist on a more spiritual level where sharing takes priority over competing. A situation where awareness comes to be deemed more important that knowledge. I believe without awareness our knowledge is destined to be destructive.
In all our progress we destroyed something very simple, but essential to our being. I don't know what it is, but certain plants and chemicals, certain activities can hint towards it. I believe it involves the reduction of ego in a world where ego is everything, the ability see beyond the innumerable terms used to move each individual further apart. We're alienated from each other and from ourselves, we should begin by first knowing ourselves and then work from there. To know ourselves we have to see past the terms we've been taught to think in, what we've been told is wrong, who we've been told wants to kill us, what we've been told is necessary and good for us. We need to see past our own birth names and the documentation that identifies us. LSD is is a chemical accelerator, it is by know means instant enlightenment, but an insight into just how vast and deep our consciousness it, how detailed it is in all its beauty and impurity.
It's weird, I spend day after day just thinking and planning. I think about how I'm going to break the constant loop, the subconscious fears, the urge to play by the rules. I tell myself I'll work in the system, awaiting the first opportunity to break out, but considering how much I've missed so far, I'll probably miss that too. I think so much, then when I come to transfer my thoughts to writing all the words escape me. I call myself a writer because I think so much about writing. Enough of that, I probably sound like a paranoid conspiracy theorist, I just feel deep down something really, very wrong is happening and until will shift the primary focus of our lives to awareness we will continue to destroy ourselves and others.
I want to keep this blog going but I actually have nothing to say. I keep trying to speak from my own perspective, avoiding second hand terms and ideas but it's near impossible. I'd like it if this blog wasn't read with the belief that these are the views and ramblings of one individual, but a representation of ideas possessed by many. I'm not important, this is just information I've processed and have now transferred to this page.
I love coffee. I wake up groggy, worn out and feeling generally run down every morning, but I like it that way. Because that feeling makes coffee all the more enjoyable, I think that's how we should live our lives. We should enjoy being imperfect, and embrace what we don't have in the immediate, because it's all the greater when we achieve it. This remind's me, I need a new caffetiere, (Have I spelt that wrong?) my friends brother bought a huge bag of coffee back from Ethiopia and I'm looking forward to trying it. It smells pretty awesome.
I'm starting a new job next week, I'm not totally looking forward to it, but I'm open to the possibility I might end up enjoying myself and will most certainly learn new things and meet new people. I'm already working on music compilations to play on the journey to work. Daniel Johnston is pretty awesome, just simple, pure and uplifting. Music is one of the most potent drugs, it is no anti-drug, you take in the sound, the vibrations and experience a magical, euphoric reaction. It is one of my favourite drugs.
The weather is awesome anyway, I'm gonna tidy up and get outside, maybe call up some friends and just walk round the park or visit the nature centre over the road. They have goats and peacocks. It's weird when you see animals like that together, I always wonder how they perceive each other. Thanks for reading anyway, I appreciate it.
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