hah

This, at Indi Bar...whoa, it just came back to me. Enough vodka and most things sound good.

I still haven't listened to the new Regina Spektor album, I bought it when it came out. Going to play it today and come back later to update this.

Where am I?

When I see a photo of myself it pretty much ruins my day. It just gets worse, I hate my shape, my face, my skin, my hair, the fact I feel I'm aging without feeling I've lived. I can see I'm aging. I don't have a high opinion of myself, to like myself I feel I have to overlook reality and that's even harder than feeling depressed. Funny thing is, I might feel better than fine by next week and like I can do whatever I want. I forget for so long, then something reminds me of the reality.

I can spend so much on clothes and items and things that might slightly improve peoples opinion of me, but underneath it all I still feel abnormal and ugly. Both inside and out. I'll probably regret writing this later, because it won't make sense any more, then something will bring me right back here. Could be catching myself in the mirror at the wrong time, or seeing another picture, but yeah, I dunno. Whatever.

Sick

"I never listened to bass line, speed garage, grime, funky house or UK hardcore when I was at school. I listened to terrible, corny gothic rock music, with cheap synthesisers, drum machines and lyrics about vampires. I thought it was mystical and otherworldly, I thought I was different. I was, that's why nobody liked me. That's why I got beat up in physical education, because I was small and wore black nail varnish. I couldn't stand my ground, so I'd tell myself it's because of the fact I'm different. I'm better. I would go home and numb my brain with computer games, Super Nintendo and cartoons on television. Marilyn Manson and the Spooky Kids bootlegs and pages printed out from websites about paganism scattered around the room. I'd never smoked weed, never fucked anybody, never been in a fight, never been to accident and emergency after ingesting strange research chemicals. I was quiet back then, but I hadn't been fully consumed by my present sense of worthlessness and self loathing yet. That was something that had to be cultivated over time.

I would say how I hated religion, how I hated God. I was a shitty guitarist, I wanted to start a band with a kid in my class who nobody else talked to. There was some kid with big ginger hair, no social skills and a creepily vast knowledge of Pokemon. He was a complete fucking loser. I remember watching him allow people to take it in turns to punch him. We were friends. I wrote lyrics for a song that never got recorded, never got completed. It was some bullshit about God being evil because he kills people, it seemed profound at the time. Everything stopped all of a sudden, all the things that seemed important ceased to matter. My past no longer seemed embarrassing, neither did my future seem worthwhile. All I see is a screen, pixels, lonely attention whores. Facebook status updates. Look at me.

My attention span is beyond recovery, I am dependent on constant reassurance from my Internet friends. I depend on instant access to the sounds and images that distract me from actually living life. Drugs are a welcome change from this. I'd sooner be taking the last bus from my dealers area with an eighth of cocaine than reading peoples bullshit on social networking websites. How you are going out, how you will get photographs, how I will succumb and become a part of it to and start spewing trash out for everybody to read myself. I am paranoid, I believe people are monitoring us and we are making it so fucking easy for them.

Maybe if I hadn't spent my childhood playing computer games, listening to music just because it made it easier to isolate myself from people that wouldn't want to know me in the first place, I might not be here now. I'm struggling to continue writing, my attention is waning, I've forgot what I came to say. Television is fucking poison, chart music is designed to control our minds, I'd sooner develop a cocaine habit than have to hear chart music ever again. It makes me feel sick.

If I could smash this screen, I might just stand a chance."

Rita J Jones

Happy

Got back way late last night. Met some amazing people at Bliss, media networking event. Lots of photographers, models actors and artists of all kinds. I was there as a sound artist, got talking to a producer who will hopefully be able to help me get some guitar tracks down. Then I went drinking, lost some money at the casino and ate chilli. Way tired after that so just had to get back and crash out. Feel like the balls rolling, writing gives me a headache right now, but I have some ideas of things to write about. Maybe they'll start taking form at some point today.

Weekend was amazing. Met some beautiful people, feel weirdly euphoric off Saturday still. Hit the bong way hard, got shisha on the go and went to kanyini, got insanely blazed and talked and talked and danced with people. Awesome DJ sets, heard some Macka B amongst all the psychedelic trance too. I should be going to a piano lesson today, whoa.

So yeah, I'm still alive, and better than ever.

Now what

Feel like I'm at a crossroads, I'm going to go out today and come back a different person. I don't know whether that means cutting all my hair off, actually going to the gym, talking to strangers or just liking myself from now on. Huge bong session, Donnie Darko and just woke up and put some Cat Power on. Things could work out, and if they don't...I'll cancel my membership and wear wigs.

Hah

Woke up, had coffee and watched House. Now I'm smoking the last of my emergency stash and listening to Opeth. Feel disconnected, other people are making me uneasy. Like there's something I can't hide anymore, or something I've let go sour for so long its beyond recovery. I'm reading Les Miserables, onto the second book; Cosette. I think I'll have it finished by April, its powerful, exploring morality and human nature from so many different perspectives. I'm also reading House of Leaves alongside Les Miserables. Haven't really started it yet, but might get some reading done today seeing as I'm not working.

Struggling to make any progress or motivate myself towards finishing the short story collection I've been working on for so long. I read Shoplifting From American Apparel and felt like writing about the fact I have absolutely nothing to write about. That's a positive thing, I liked that book.

I feel older, everyday I feel a little older than the day before. I feel older than I have ever felt right now. I've been working on a new song to release under the 'Magic Wand' banner that has been neglected and abandoned for months now. I believe this year something will come together. It has been too long, it is is becoming desperate and it is the only thing in the world I feel I can influence or direct.

Smoke cannabis, drink coffee and write and write and write until it makes sense and finally works. I'm taking in novels and the words and accomplishments of others as a form of habitual escapism. I need to create my own places to escape into, but can't so long as I'm this distracted. I'm consistently awestruck by the works of others and disappointed with myself. If it all comes to nothing? I don't even know, I'll just read more.

I always feel unclean when I wake up, I shower, but my hair still feels thin and greasy throughout the course of the day. I feel awkward, like I'm wearing odd shoes and unsure of the right thing to say in any given situation. I mope. I think too much when I try to sleep. I'm way too distracted by all of these things to get anything done.

Tired

Hah

I don't even know why I'm this unhappy anymore.

Stupid prohibitionists

Why is it considered 'drug tourism' to smoke cannabis in Holland, but getting dangerously drunk in Ibiza or Eastern Europe or whatever doesn't have any such status? I actually listened to somebody say "I don't do drugs" whilst rolling up a cigarette, this person who also talks about drinking alcohol. These people are everywhere. We've been successfully convinced that a plant that just naturally occurs and can be smoked as it is with no ill effect is a 'drug', but a liquid, chemical intoxicant that can kill people is fine.

You'll never hear,

"We are working to put Holland under pressure, calling people who travel there to legally smoke 'drug tourists'. Even though this plant has never killed anybody, has been proven at very worst only habit forming and not addictive and has multiple medical benefits we'd sooner you got drunk."

I'm not happy

Nope.

Blargh

I feel more mellow now, intense night last night, lots of drink and music and junk and stuff. Think I was a bit annoyed in my last post, with myself, like I feel bad for keeping this blog 'cos its just a huge ego thing where I talk about myself like everybody wants to hear my stupid thoughts. But whatever, I could be doing worse while I'm online.

Wow, strange afternoon.

I had lots of strange things to say earlier.

incredibly dumb, incredibly ugly

Tired of trying to confine things to words, writing is an exhausting process. I've got a build of drafts, loose pages and notes and none of them seem worth pursuing. Right now nothing seems worth pursuing. Right now, it's always now. So I'm just drinking coffee and listening to music and enjoying the next couple of days doing nothing at all, until I have to start doing things on Monday. Out of weed, nice session last night though.

I feel like my stomachs being twisted with anxiety, I'm gonna get rid of the mirror in my room and totally change everything around. I sort of like that my room is messy right now though, it looks like it's been lived in and things have happened. So yeah, that's kind of cool. I'm sort of on the edge of things happening, and normally when I get to that point, all I see is a long fall, I don't even try and take off and see how it goes, I just move back and nothing changes. I just get older. So yeah, I'm gonna start doing stuff, I'm gonna metaphorically jump today or whatever. Wish me luck, if anybody ever reads this haha. If I crash and burn, at least I'll have something to report back here with.

I'm thinking of cutting my hair off too, the reason I don't is because I'm used to my face being sort of concealed, when it was really long especially so, but I've sort of took it gradually shorter. I'm just worried about how much I'm gonna dislike what I see after I do it, because I can only see me looking worse. There's lots of things I'd change about how I look and I think it would improve my life, but I'm also aware that stuffs superficial, and the only thing uglier than my appearance is my personality, especially when I talk about stuff like this. So yeah, to get rid of my hair would be another jump I suppose, and if I can live normally in spite of how I look, then I suppose that might be a good thing.

I probably sound unhappy, but I'm not. I'm looking forward to things, I've just got time on my hands to think before they start. I hate the fact I always have to seem happy, so I'd just sooner say what's on my mind, 'cos then if I talk about something happy at least it's sincere. Once work starts on Monday I'm going to try and apply stuff I've learnt at the monastery and not let everything get on top of me and screw up again, so I'll just try as hard as I can and see if that's enough. I'll be working to help other people, it'll be brilliant to have so much time to put other people before myself, and to support people who deserve support. The money I make is going to be saved up to travel and do things I wanted to do before my last job finished.

I hope I don't sound crazy. Peace out.

.