blargh

It has been a long time

I suppose I haven't wrote here in a while because I'm not too sure what's happening in my life. I've taken a huge amount of time off work and plan on looking for other employment soon. Since my last shift every day has blurred into the next, I have entirely lost track of time and have this complete absence of motivation, just a heavy, empty listlessness. I've done a good job of masking it by staying occupied and distracted, keeping company that causes me to entirely forget myself for a while. It just hits pretty hard when I'm on my own, however briefly. I haven't thought much about how I look in the past week or two, I've not had any intensely depressing or ugly days. It's sort of strange. I feel like there is some positive influence in my life at the moment and I'm just not sure of what to do with it.

I've spent a lot of time reading, I started the Bible in January and read up towards the end of the Book of Numbers. I have also been reading Paradise Lost and the most recent Haruki Murakami book. I hope to put a day aside tomorrow just to read, only it's difficult getting around in all this snow and I find I have to be out of the house to focus on a book.

Really not sure of what to write about. I might try again tomorrow or later.

Not sure

Everything that follows is fiction, as it this entire blog.

It is so boring to not be under the influence, sometimes anything will do. I feel like a bottle of rum, got up at 10am and might as well have stayed in bed for how little I've done since then. Haven't smoked in so, so long. Well it's been about a month, due to money. Once I'm paid I'll reap the rewards of this tolerance break. Haven't wrote much lately, got plans for a graphic novel, about some sociopath who wears a childs superhero outfit and ends up in some basement bar dungeon type setting inflicting harm on some more than willing participants and consuming a lot of chemicals along the way. Just finished a pot of coffee, could do with another but it'd take time to prepare.

I went to the cinema a couple of days ago and saw Stanley Kubricks 'The Shining', it also inspired me to re-read the book, so I'm juggling between that and The Executioners Song.

Everything else that follows is fiction...just written to exercise my mind.

I'm dropping out of the world anyway, for a while again. I hate other people who do that. I've got some friends who are so caught up in their social anxiety and general ineptitude when it comes to people, that going to the shops to buy a frozen pizza feels like an ordeal. It's not like that in my case, I just feel like I've been preoccupied by all these nights out, lost a lot of time and money and not really got anything in return. I watched my friend get thrown out of a club for being caught in a cubicle with some dude, I was pretty fucking angry for a bunch of reasons at the time and decided to stick around just to get smashed and drown any emotion.

We had ended up in a gay bar anyway, fuck. A lot of tequila in my system and I was in an unfamiliar city so I couldn't protest with the people around me, I had no idea where we were going from the start. I just wasn't feeling drag queens and chart music, so I found a corner and stayed there. Only people were trying to make conversation with me, I had got too smashed to hold a decent conversation and my throat was tired trying to talk over the 'time warp' or whatever was playing.

Sometimes it feels like a waste of time being at these house parties and bars where I don't really know anybody and feel as though I know myself less and less by the end of the night. Bars that charge £5 for a double vodka and coke and play music that feels like junk food for the soul. The kind of illuminati chart trash I have to listen to for twelve hours a day at work, I look forward to peace and quiet as much as I do a bong session when my shift ends. Work has got me in a kind of limbo state, between falling apart and keeping it together because I just have to, the alternative is complete failure. I need a decent amount of money put away by this time next year, I need something to show for my time in the most intense job I have ever taken on. So it's probably an idea to stop blowing money on bullshit like £5 vodka drinks all night.

Something splits me in half when I drink. I become aware of the one side of me that hates myself, and wants to hurt myself. That leaves me wanting to drag nails through the flesh on my arms and it's like steam pours out, the stinging takes over from the thoughts. The self loathing just blows me away and when it passes leaves a hollow sadness in its place. The other side is just a hot anger, say something that I don't like, that any other time I'd just overlook or not even notice, and I feel like I've made an enemy for life. I'm not a generally emotional person, mostly apathetic and uncertain, but alcohol seems to blow the lid that usually seals all my subconscious junk up far away.

So now I'm getting phonecalls I can't be bothered to answer, work I'm putting off and a kitchen that seriously needs cleaning. I think I'm going to start on that bottle of rum in an hour. My life is pretty fucking weird for a 23 year old, I always feel I stand out in a pretty bad way when I'm in a crowded room. I ain't going the same places as most the people around me, haven't got laid in over a year and I feel like just being me is a burden and disadvantage in itself.  Part of me loves the world, the incense burning book reading hippie who has nothing else to worry about but my weed stash running too low in me that can get along with everybody. But the awareness of what I am beneath all that, what I am physically sort of corrupts everything else.

There have been good times, the first time I ate shrooms, every song I have ever recorded and the casual sex with people who became complete strangers shortly afterwards. Viewed from the right angle all that stuff is great. I'm keeping more and more to myself, I think the last time I really, sincerely felt something for a girl, I was just a teenager. And I don't think teenagers have the greatest judgement, I sure wasn't an exception to the rule. Drinking Jack Daniels from the bottle in a park, with time for anybody who had time for me.

Relationships are not an option anymore anyway, I wouldn't want to inflict myself on anybody even if I could. And I truly can't. I talk some real shit when I get started, and I think there are people out there who actually read this thing...whoa. I'll probably apologies properly when I continue writing later.

I always grind to a kind of unexpected halt after I start writing, I hit a block and feel like I have nothing left to say, or that I don't want to make things worse than they are already, I'm not entirely sure of what I've typed so far but I'm sure I'll regret it later. Peace out.

X

Today will be interesting

I saw Marc Almond last night.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dIYPYmzhUrI&feature=related

Headache

Sometimes my job requires me to stay awake for 24 hours. Once a week, it leaves me with a terrible headache, nausea and an overall feeling of vacancy and lethargy the next day. I used to be able to handle a lack of sleep pretty well, but I'm aging, badly. And the fact I had codeine and a ton of coffee for breakfast this morning hasn't really helped. My brain feels like it's in a vice and my self worth has hit a new low, the last thing on my mind is going to the shops to buy cereal. Curtains drawn, hair becoming thinner, need to get back on track with food or I'll just lose more weight. I look grotesque, emaciated and don't feel like leaving the house today. My skin is blotchy, bags under my eyes, teeth discolored from crazy amounts of coffee and smoke.

It's not like I can just hit a reset button, and this time tomorrow none of this will even make any sense. Can't keep up with these weird ups and downs. Somebody said I look weak, straight up ugly. Not sure what I'm meant to be doing, I haven't studied in months, haven't wrote anything in months, don't practice guitar and hardly get any exercise. Everyday is pretty much the same, on shift I work, off shift I just kill time and don't do much of anything. Smoke, drink, sleep and listen to music.

I just wanted to sleep last night, I'm all out of sleeping pills, I need to obtain some more today ready for my next overnight shift. They're normally pretty effective, unless it's just a placebo that allows my brain to switch off thus resulting in sleep. I always come to this place with a lot to stay, two paragraphs in and I realize I've said it all before and there is so little happening in my life that I'm struggling to complete sentences. Codeine, warmth, itchiness.

I need to shower, tidy myself up, get some fresh air. I can't spend any money. I'm not on track with saving up. I have to wait a fortnight until I can buy something for myself. I want to continue piano lessons and get myself a keyboard to practice with. My throat is sore, I keep coughing. The codeine has helped with that but I don't know about the fogginess and apathy, I have another cup of coffee to finish then I might consider moving.

I do not feel remotely better for having written this, so I am going to stop now and try again tomorrow.

hah

This, at Indi Bar...whoa, it just came back to me. Enough vodka and most things sound good.

I still haven't listened to the new Regina Spektor album, I bought it when it came out. Going to play it today and come back later to update this.

Where am I?

When I see a photo of myself it pretty much ruins my day. It just gets worse, I hate my shape, my face, my skin, my hair, the fact I feel I'm aging without feeling I've lived. I can see I'm aging. I don't have a high opinion of myself, to like myself I feel I have to overlook reality and that's even harder than feeling depressed. Funny thing is, I might feel better than fine by next week and like I can do whatever I want. I forget for so long, then something reminds me of the reality.

I can spend so much on clothes and items and things that might slightly improve peoples opinion of me, but underneath it all I still feel abnormal and ugly. Both inside and out. I'll probably regret writing this later, because it won't make sense any more, then something will bring me right back here. Could be catching myself in the mirror at the wrong time, or seeing another picture, but yeah, I dunno. Whatever.

Sick

"I never listened to bass line, speed garage, grime, funky house or UK hardcore when I was at school. I listened to terrible, corny gothic rock music, with cheap synthesisers, drum machines and lyrics about vampires. I thought it was mystical and otherworldly, I thought I was different. I was, that's why nobody liked me. That's why I got beat up in physical education, because I was small and wore black nail varnish. I couldn't stand my ground, so I'd tell myself it's because of the fact I'm different. I'm better. I would go home and numb my brain with computer games, Super Nintendo and cartoons on television. Marilyn Manson and the Spooky Kids bootlegs and pages printed out from websites about paganism scattered around the room. I'd never smoked weed, never fucked anybody, never been in a fight, never been to accident and emergency after ingesting strange research chemicals. I was quiet back then, but I hadn't been fully consumed by my present sense of worthlessness and self loathing yet. That was something that had to be cultivated over time.

I would say how I hated religion, how I hated God. I was a shitty guitarist, I wanted to start a band with a kid in my class who nobody else talked to. There was some kid with big ginger hair, no social skills and a creepily vast knowledge of Pokemon. He was a complete fucking loser. I remember watching him allow people to take it in turns to punch him. We were friends. I wrote lyrics for a song that never got recorded, never got completed. It was some bullshit about God being evil because he kills people, it seemed profound at the time. Everything stopped all of a sudden, all the things that seemed important ceased to matter. My past no longer seemed embarrassing, neither did my future seem worthwhile. All I see is a screen, pixels, lonely attention whores. Facebook status updates. Look at me.

My attention span is beyond recovery, I am dependent on constant reassurance from my Internet friends. I depend on instant access to the sounds and images that distract me from actually living life. Drugs are a welcome change from this. I'd sooner be taking the last bus from my dealers area with an eighth of cocaine than reading peoples bullshit on social networking websites. How you are going out, how you will get photographs, how I will succumb and become a part of it to and start spewing trash out for everybody to read myself. I am paranoid, I believe people are monitoring us and we are making it so fucking easy for them.

Maybe if I hadn't spent my childhood playing computer games, listening to music just because it made it easier to isolate myself from people that wouldn't want to know me in the first place, I might not be here now. I'm struggling to continue writing, my attention is waning, I've forgot what I came to say. Television is fucking poison, chart music is designed to control our minds, I'd sooner develop a cocaine habit than have to hear chart music ever again. It makes me feel sick.

If I could smash this screen, I might just stand a chance."

Rita J Jones

Happy

Got back way late last night. Met some amazing people at Bliss, media networking event. Lots of photographers, models actors and artists of all kinds. I was there as a sound artist, got talking to a producer who will hopefully be able to help me get some guitar tracks down. Then I went drinking, lost some money at the casino and ate chilli. Way tired after that so just had to get back and crash out. Feel like the balls rolling, writing gives me a headache right now, but I have some ideas of things to write about. Maybe they'll start taking form at some point today.

Weekend was amazing. Met some beautiful people, feel weirdly euphoric off Saturday still. Hit the bong way hard, got shisha on the go and went to kanyini, got insanely blazed and talked and talked and danced with people. Awesome DJ sets, heard some Macka B amongst all the psychedelic trance too. I should be going to a piano lesson today, whoa.

So yeah, I'm still alive, and better than ever.

Now what

Feel like I'm at a crossroads, I'm going to go out today and come back a different person. I don't know whether that means cutting all my hair off, actually going to the gym, talking to strangers or just liking myself from now on. Huge bong session, Donnie Darko and just woke up and put some Cat Power on. Things could work out, and if they don't...I'll cancel my membership and wear wigs.

Hah

Woke up, had coffee and watched House. Now I'm smoking the last of my emergency stash and listening to Opeth. Feel disconnected, other people are making me uneasy. Like there's something I can't hide anymore, or something I've let go sour for so long its beyond recovery. I'm reading Les Miserables, onto the second book; Cosette. I think I'll have it finished by April, its powerful, exploring morality and human nature from so many different perspectives. I'm also reading House of Leaves alongside Les Miserables. Haven't really started it yet, but might get some reading done today seeing as I'm not working.

Struggling to make any progress or motivate myself towards finishing the short story collection I've been working on for so long. I read Shoplifting From American Apparel and felt like writing about the fact I have absolutely nothing to write about. That's a positive thing, I liked that book.

I feel older, everyday I feel a little older than the day before. I feel older than I have ever felt right now. I've been working on a new song to release under the 'Magic Wand' banner that has been neglected and abandoned for months now. I believe this year something will come together. It has been too long, it is is becoming desperate and it is the only thing in the world I feel I can influence or direct.

Smoke cannabis, drink coffee and write and write and write until it makes sense and finally works. I'm taking in novels and the words and accomplishments of others as a form of habitual escapism. I need to create my own places to escape into, but can't so long as I'm this distracted. I'm consistently awestruck by the works of others and disappointed with myself. If it all comes to nothing? I don't even know, I'll just read more.

I always feel unclean when I wake up, I shower, but my hair still feels thin and greasy throughout the course of the day. I feel awkward, like I'm wearing odd shoes and unsure of the right thing to say in any given situation. I mope. I think too much when I try to sleep. I'm way too distracted by all of these things to get anything done.

Tired

Hah

I don't even know why I'm this unhappy anymore.

Stupid prohibitionists

Why is it considered 'drug tourism' to smoke cannabis in Holland, but getting dangerously drunk in Ibiza or Eastern Europe or whatever doesn't have any such status? I actually listened to somebody say "I don't do drugs" whilst rolling up a cigarette, this person who also talks about drinking alcohol. These people are everywhere. We've been successfully convinced that a plant that just naturally occurs and can be smoked as it is with no ill effect is a 'drug', but a liquid, chemical intoxicant that can kill people is fine.

You'll never hear,

"We are working to put Holland under pressure, calling people who travel there to legally smoke 'drug tourists'. Even though this plant has never killed anybody, has been proven at very worst only habit forming and not addictive and has multiple medical benefits we'd sooner you got drunk."